the warmth of a cold afternoon.

sophia:

Madeline, it took me way too long to respond to your message mainly because I couldn’t put into words what it made me feel when I read it. I had to read it over to believe you really said all those things about me, because it’s me. And you saying all of that makes me feel like crying because it’s just, I honestly can’t put it into words, when I figure how to respond properly I will let my heart pour out for you. But right now all I can say is thank you and how amazing it is to have all this written to me. (It’s a good feeling none the less.) And also yes we are hanging out soon I’m not sure if next weekend or the next but soon. Again you are too amazing for words and and and… I can’t say anything else at the moment except I love you.

i’m like the walking example of the media’s effect on girls. i’d rather not say that i have an eating disorder, more that i just have eating habits that cause me to lose weight, but the media has really effected me. so i try to promote good self esteem to make up for what i lack.

i can’t believe we fight. in some ways it makes absolutely no sense, but there are so many logical reasons!

and you are really special. you mean so much to me. fighting with you sucks but sometimes i have no idea how to not fight or not love you or not tell you how i feel in an angry way.

i miss having a best friend who would just know when i was upset. and who would call or email or text or fucking… do something to let me know she was there. i miss that. i miss having her like that. i have her, she just doesn’t give a shit about me.

how dare you.

i just can’t even believe you would say something as insensitive and hurtful as that.

“that’s disgusting.”

that doesn’t make me want to get help.

it makes me feel vile, horrible. gross.

i can’t even believe you would say something so mean. that’s being mean on purpose. that’s being so hypocritical. i feel sick. i feel like crying. why would you do that? why why why why? you call yourself my best friend.

and then i tell you off because you know you’re wrong and instead of accepting that you’re wrong, you’ll just go and say that i’m making you feel bad because of what you said.

which is your point.

jesus christ. how is that even acceptable.

and on top of that, you’re abandoning me, even though you think that you aren’t. you are. you’re skipping out on me when i’m rock bottom.

you’re horrible. i can’t believe i actually love you. i can’t believe that no matter what you do, what you say, i’ll still help you when you need me. i’ll still be there when you need help of your own.

shit.

it’s late and my homework isn’t even near completion.

i’m so upset. i hate when people are so cruel.

she’s playing with my mind.

fucking move on!

she’s got someone new, you’ve got a potential someone new.

she was special.

she is special.

shut up! shut up! SHUT UP.

just shut the fuck up. you’re fine. you have words to accompany you into the dark.

you don’t need to hear her tell you she loves you every fucking day.

i think she’s honestly making me a better person. i feel like when i’m with her, i feel okay about myself.

today was horribly, terribly, scarily wonderful.

i was talking to sam, who gave me some strength, even though it made me sort of really anxious. i was in such a pissy, awkward mood when i left. the day had just been like, shitty.

i saw maia and richelle and noor and i was like whoa hey. it helped.

i looked down. then i looked up and she. was. there. and i didn’t even know what to say. we all laughed and smiled and i felt really weak in the knees and i felt like passing out but i didn’t. and i bought juice because i needed to get away but i didn’t really want to.

but then we missed the train and i didn’t want to leave and being with her made me feel like this warm globe type thing.

anyway. emily left, and so did richelle, and maia and i and her went down to the train station and she didn’t know where she was going. maia was like; should i follow you, and i said sure, but pushed her back and told jasper to go away when he came near.

and i walked her to the trolley. i fast-walked her. and kissed her on the cheek twice and i felt like if i died right then and there, it’d be so okay. but mycah pointed out that if i died, i wouldn’t be able to do it again.

she’s the most beautiful thing in the world. she’s just like…

i’m so glad she’s alive. and that she’s my person.