June 2011
1 post
sophia:
Madeline, it took me way too long to respond to your message mainly because I couldn’t put into words what it made me feel when I read it. I had to read it over to believe you really said all those things about me, because it’s me. And you saying all of that makes me feel like crying because it’s just, I honestly can’t put it into words, when I figure how to respond...
April 2011
2 posts
i’m like the walking example of the media’s effect on girls. i’d rather not say that i have an eating disorder, more that i just have eating habits that cause me to lose weight, but the media has really effected me. so i try to promote good self esteem to make up for what i lack.
February 2011
1 post
i can’t believe we fight. in some ways it makes absolutely no sense, but there are so many logical reasons!
and you are really special. you mean so much to me. fighting with you sucks but sometimes i have no idea how to not fight or not love you or not tell you how i feel in an angry way.
January 2011
3 posts
i miss having a best friend who would just know when i was upset. and who would call or email or text or fucking… do something to let me know she was there. i miss that. i miss having her like that. i have her, she just doesn’t give a shit about me.
how dare you.
i just can’t even believe you would say something as insensitive and hurtful as that.
“that’s disgusting.”
that doesn’t make me want to get help.
it makes me feel vile, horrible. gross.
i can’t even believe you would say something so mean. that’s being mean on purpose. that’s being so hypocritical. i feel sick. i feel like crying. why would you...
she's playing with my mind.
December 2010
4 posts
fucking move on!
she’s got someone new, you’ve got a potential someone new.
she was special.
she is special.
shut up! shut up! SHUT UP.
just shut the fuck up. you’re fine. you have words to accompany you into the dark.
you don’t need to hear her tell you she loves you every fucking day.
i think she’s honestly making me a better person. i feel like when i’m with her, i feel okay about myself.
today was horribly, terribly, scarily wonderful.
i was talking to sam, who gave me some strength, even though it made me sort of really anxious. i was in such a pissy, awkward mood when i left. the day had just been like, shitty.
i saw maia and richelle and noor and i was like whoa hey. it helped.
i looked down. then i looked up and she. was. there. and i didn’t even know what to say. we all laughed and smiled and i felt really weak in...
how do you even fucking react to that?
i was verbally attacked.
meridian was beside me and she said nothing. she did the right thing. it upset me at first but she did the right thing.it would have caused more trouble if she’d gotten into it.
among other things:
“you’re gonna run to your friends and tell them that i threatened you? this isn’t even about you! i don’t even just care about her because...
naiasworld asked:
you’re the girl i love. nothing more nothing less.
i just had to save this somehow.
November 2010
13 posts
what sara said.
Madeline, dear. We haven’t talked in a while but I feel like I should say a few things to you and the anon below me. 1. Who says that alcohol consumption, smoking and cutting means you’ve hit rock bottom? I’m pretty sure that of the millions of people doing all of these daily, plenty of them are fine. Each of develops to become an addiction, something you do whether you are...
my response to anon.
who are you to tell me to be happy? in fact, anon, you’re making me really upset right now.
making generalizations about my life, does that make you feel any better about yours? i assume you don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t cut. do you feel that you’re better than me because you can say that you’ve never hit rock bottom? i’m sorry you feel that way,...
continuouslyediting:
When we lit those matches it felt like we were lighting up the sky. When we put them in our mouths and closed them. We dropped them. We smiled and breathing seemed easier. In those moments I not only felt like I was infinite, I was infinite. We were infinite together. And in that moment that’s all that mattered.
the feeling was amazing. feeling so in control. not knowing...
i feel so numb.
she was on the train too.
and i couldn’t stop looking at her. hating her, but wanting to cry into her lap.
it’s that feeling where you know how upset you are with them but you want to forgive them. but you just can’t, or not yet at least. i ignored her.
i wonder what’s happening in her head right now. i’m sure it has nothing to do with me. she’s probably excited to be sleeping over at...
my mom is mad at me.
my friend played a joke on me that made me really upset, i’m tired, i have a raging headache and i have so much homework to do.
i’m just about to sit here and not study and just cry and cry and cry.
she’s not texting me back either.
is it fair to say you're my not girlfriend.
this is totally another trish situation. i don’t give a shit. i like it. i like you. i never thought i’d be doing this again.
my therapist acts like the solution is so fucking obvious. she doesn’t understand.
me: i would listen to it over and over and over again. it would keep me from killing myself. because when things got too stressful, i wanted to hear your voice. and when my phone died, no longer did i have the message. and things became a clusterfuck of terribleness that i'm in right now. so yes, goodbye. because i want you to remember me in a good way. not a dramatic, pitiful creature. especially when i die.
her: Madeline. Don't drown yourself in a cup of water.
i never thought it'd be like this.
i’m probably doing that thing where i idolize her in my mind and in reality, she’s just a girl. not my true love. she’s only a girl.
but she isn’t just a girl. she’s a girl i really really like. i haven’t liked someone in so long. can’t i just like her? from a far? must i suppress those feelings because they’re incorrect? isn’t that what...
there is always the point where you wouldn’t even mind if she led you on, anything would be amazing. she’s amazing. i’m at that point. and i don’t want to imagine what happens next.
my mascara made black tears today. i didn’t realize it was fucked up till someone said it. then i noticed i also had huge bags under my eyes.
are you fucking happy?
i just never want to hear about it again. ever. because just everything is upsetting me right now and that was not great news. i’m so glad that she likes you right on back. so. fucking. glad.
i don’t know whether i feel betrayed, or pissed, or sick to my stomach or what. i don’t know what to feel. because just this morning, i was happier than i have been in a long time. now i’m angry. or i...